#but in a 'what if people invalidate my baby brother's achievements

[embarasseddragon234]

*shaking the narrative*

hey hey heyheyheyheyhey

Hey.

HEY!

My insane theory about Luffy I had at like- the beginning of One Piece isn't TRUE, RIGHT??

we've SEEN his family now!

There is NO WAY he's some sort of Gold Roger clone!

I tossed that crazy theory aside AGES AGO! Before we even met Gaarp! Because there was no evidence cloning existed! I was only half serious about it to begin with!!

*Shakes the narrative harder*

YOU CAN'T JUST INTRODUCE CLONING THIS LATE AND EXPECT ME TO BE NORMAL ABOUT IT!

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

theories for chain of thorns

i had these posted on my gr from like december, im just posting them here

- lucie will now be an antagonist lets be honest we all know it. necromancers are NOT good people and thats the path lucie chose for herself by wanting to save jesse

- someone major will die idk who it is yet, but my instincts tell me its matthew or alistair. the second wouldnt make sense tho – if alistair dies, how would the carstairs line continue down to emma??? hopefully itll be tatiana that bitch

- jamie x daisy its inevitable guys, have you seen the snippets? im rooting for them theyre perfect

- thomas and alistair are NOT gonna end up together this was a gut feeling when i wrote it but as of jan 5 i have a legible reason as to why they would not be happy and its the next theory

- IM SCARED THOMAS IS GONNA DIE the “found family tree” says that thomas died TWO YEARS before barbara. i understand cassie has repeatedly stated that its been manipulated (she hinted that it was changed by the silent brothers) and isnt reliable. but isnt that disturbing?? esp considering theres at least part of it thats reliable, and thats the fact that alistair will 100% go on to marry a woman despite being gay. if alistair doesnt have kids, and cordelias children are all herondales, then the carstairs family would die out and emma would not be related to jem (even tho its been stated that they are related by blood). “oH bUt SoNa iS pReGnAnT mAyBe ShEs GoNnA GiVe BiRtH tO a bOy” first of all, theres a chance the baby is born a girl second of all, the baby might die third of all, where is the son on the family tree? fourth of all, SONA IS, ACCORDING TO THE TREE, DEAD BEFORE THOMAS. PLEASE.

- grace x christopher i despise grace but she acts like a different person around kit… maybe he can fix her

- anna x ariadne she cant fuck up ALL the gay relationships, now can she?

- the merry thieves are gonna forgive alistair (specifically matthew) bro he literally made out with one of them TWICE. if matthew doesnt think “well shits gonna get awkward if i dont forgive the sorry bastard” istg~ 💀

- this is more of a hope than a theory MATTHEW FAIRCHILD SHALL ACHIEVE THE HAPPINESS HE DESERVES smth tells me he wont get a happy ending tho… i mean, if my above theory abt thomas is correct~

- SO DOES ALISTAIR I MEAN CMON GUYS #justiceforalistair he regrets the shit hes pulled and therefore your hate against him for it is invalid PLUS HE GOT BULLIED BY RACIST PIECES OF SHIT HE DID WHAT HE COULD TO MAKE IT STOP

- matthew will open up abt his secret its like a routine at this point, in every shadowhunters series. a character has a secret that nearly kills them outta despair, they open up to friends, theyre met with love and support. jace loving his “sister”. wills “curse”. emma and jules’ relationship. ty bringing back livvy. alec being gay. you get used to it lol

- either lucie or matthew would have their marks stripped lucie for attempting/committing necromancy, and matthew because sobh said he doesnt have a specified death date (also i think cassie just hates him)

- jesse will be evil bro wouldnt that be cruel… like imagine after lucie brings him back hes like “haha i manipulated you to bring me back i never loved you” and then sHe GETS HER RUNES STRIPPED FOR NECROMANCY and its worse bc the shadowhunters are already out to get the herondales bc they refuse to accept tessa as anything but a warlock no but in that case she would prolly go to live with wills parents OKAY BUT IMAGINE HOW HEARTBROKEN CHARLOTTE WOULD BE WHILE DOING IT WHILE JAMIE IS CRYING AND MATTHEW SCREAMING AT HER NOT TO AND WILL TELLS HIM TO STOP WHILE TEARS ARE GOING DOWN HIS FACE

- a “seven husbands of evelyn hugo” thing with anna x ariadne and thomas x alistair (credit to my good friend wiz/nisha for saying this) maybe cassie is going to have thomas marry ariadne and anna marry alistair so that they could have a good old switcheroo, so they can swap lovers?? obviously it cant be anna and thomas lmao theyre cousins but thomas and ARIADNE…

- matthew and cordelia ARE going to kiss at one point HOL’ UP I DONT SHIP EM, i think its gonna be a climon kinda thing where they kiss and dont like it as much as they thought they would, and end up deciding to stay friends i think thats the best way cassie could deal with matthews crush on her without breaking anyones heart, i hope to god it wont be like him confessing and her rejecting him plz oml

[kojinnie]

Why you should NOT date AOT boys...

Headcanon on what kind of headache you're bound for when dating the AOT boys, and why I advise you NOT to date them! Enjoy, loves!

levi - eren - armin - reiner

part two here | erwin - zeke - jean - connie

— LEVI

He's an incredible man with a lot of talents and he'd be doing real good at his job, that dating him would give you a huge sense of pride. However, this man suffers from being emotionally constipated. He'd always keep you in the fine line of "are we or are we not?", even though you’ve been seeing each other for a long time. He’d never say “I love you” or any type of flashy display of affection. His love language is acts of service and quality time, so if you’re the type to wanting outward reassurance of how someone feels about you, Levi’s not gonna be the person to give you that. 

This problem stems from his deep, unresolved insecurity about the nature of relationship. It’s not just the “Am I good enough?”, he genuinely thinks that he is not a good person, and thus the inherent belief that everybody will abandon him in the end  — something he picks up from his traumatic childhood. He’s wary about establishing relationship because he’s afraid to succumb into his own feelings and vulnerability. He fears at certain point he has to feel and suffer the emotional consequence of being left by someone he cares for. He dreads the idea of getting caught off-guard with being fragile.

You gotta be extremely patient and understanding when it comes to Levi, the reassurance needs to come from you, and frequently too. Bluntly saying, “I’ll stick around” or “I’ll accept your shortcoming” is really soothing for Levi, because although he never shows it, he really thinks he does not deserve you.

— EREN

If you wanna be frustrated in a relationship where you constantly feel like you’re in an endless coaster, then dating Eren gotta be your poison. Sure the honeymoon phase was intoxicating, sure he makes you feel like the prettiest girl in the world. The morning text, the playful neck peck out in the public, the butterflies you feel in your tummy when you catch him staring at you even from afar with those oh so enthralling green eyes. But once the honeymoon phase over, Eren is quick to get bored. Especially if you’re an unproblematic, matter-of-fact type of person. Eren likes to fight, he gets thrilled by it, and he’s high with the rush of adrenaline. He likes it if you’re jealous, if you sulk, if you argue. He likes you to be ‘childish’ because then he gets to be the adult, the savior, the knight in shining armor. It grinds his gears. If you’re unfazed by his antics, if you’re easy to forgive, if you’re chill, Eren will think that you’re not really into him, and will exit the closest door out before his ego gets bruised even further.

Eren is sort of babied by people around him – his parents, his friends, and constantly being compared to his older brother doesn’t help either. He realizes that he got saved a lot of times by a lot of people. And this creates a deeply rooted insecurity with him that turns into an incessant impostor syndrome. The constant thought of not being good enough and the idea that all the achievement he’s ever got was the result of someone else’s help really crush him. You can shower him with praises and reassurance, but he would completely dismiss it, because he thinks your compliments are not based on objective views and that he does not deserve it. He painfully seeks for approval from any authority figure that (he thinks) does not have any emotional connection with him. And it can be really hurtful when he constantly dismisses your sincere compliments while desperately chasing from others who don’t care about him.

— ARMIN

It’s really hard to hate Armin. He’s a really nice man through and through, but what is his strength can also be his deepest weakness. He’s too nice and unsure about a lot of things. He knows he is knowledgeable, but he often doubts himself for being too ‘text-book smart’. Which is a valid cause, because at times he would get very oblivious to how relationship works, and treat feelings like it’s a quantifiable system. It will literally take years for him to finally get down and say how he feels about you, because all these times he was so busy filling the check-list in his mind to convince himself whether you truly like him or not, even though you couldn’t be any clearer with your intention towards him.

He is perceptive with what you think and how you feel, unfortunately this does not materialize into any action as he doubts his own intuition when it comes to his significant other. He fears that his own sentimentality has affected his intuitive judgment and thus deems it invalid, which is completely untrue because every hunch he has about you has always been accurate! That’s just how much he understands and knows you from years of quietly observing and taking each of your word into account.

He really relies on you sitting him down and telling him in details how you feel and the things you expect from him. He will do it, in a flash with no hesitation, but really, he just needs that verbal affirmation that he is doing the things that you want, and it’s not just based on his assumption. So, if you like sweet surprises, impulsive dates and expect your significant other to read your mind, Armin might not be the person.

— REINER

Oh my, truthfully, he is such a sweetheart, and can be completely smitten for the entirety of his life if he has found that one person. However, it’s a treacherous road for both Reiner and you to get to that stage. Initially, when you start to get closer to him, he may seem rigid and uninterested. The first date you had with him probably went awkward and although you really liked him, you were pretty sure he didn’t like you back, until he texted you the morning after, asking for a second date. That’s basically how being with Reiner is, a series of you being sure that he feels nothing towards you, only for his following action to prove the otherwise. He is really awful in displaying his emotion, he tries to be stoic all the time, and it often frustrates you because you cannot really tell how he feels, and you fear that you might have hurt him without realizing.

He may start to open up, only when you open up first about yourself. He thrives in romance with someone who he thinks shares his inner pain, and that’s very important for him, because he is always in a position where everyone expects him to be strong, and to have a significant other that understands his struggle is all he wants. But this gets hard for you, because sometimes Reiner’s sadness can be quite extreme and you cannot match that. Once Reiner realizes that you’re not on the same boat, he may become withdrawn, as he thinks he’s a burden and inadequate for you, and may end up self-sabotaging the whole relationship he has with you.

Although he does not like to admit it, but Reiner often slips into his sadness too deep, that it almost seems like he victimizes himself with his self-hatred. He will be the one to say stupid shit like, “You deserve someone better.” Or “I cannot make you happy.” When in fact you are perfectly willing to be with him all the way through.

With Reiner, you gotta be the bigger person, with bigger gestures and bigger patience. It’s because Reiner needs an anchor and a figure to lean on. In returns he would be the best lover that you will ever have for he is selfless and will be helplessly devoted to you.

Racking my brain writing for the rest of the boys (Erwin, Jean, Connie, Pocko) because they're the ones we SHOULD date.

Update: Thanks thanks thanks for everyone who read this! I received a lot of love and you dunno how much this encourages me to keep going. Anyway, 2 things:

- My Masterlist

- Talk to meeee ♡

[ON-GOING REQUEST EVENT]: Kojinnie's 200 Followers Celebration - 24/7 Writing Event

[dilfsbabe]

bokuto koutaro comforting his s/o!

cw: death mentions just once.

you pulled your legs to yourself and let your upper body to fall forward on the bed. tightening your hands to fist, you let all the tears out of your eyes.

three years ago, you were obsessed with death. when things were getting tough on you, you can't think about anything but ending everything to escape these problems but you realized it is worth living even if sometimes it can become hard on you. but when thing were getting tiring and tougher like this, you didn't know how to bear with it.

now, moved out from your parents a year ago and living together with your boyfriend helped every way for you and made you realize the problem actually was your parents. whatever you did wasn't enough for them. your grades, your personality, your some little habits was always compared to your peers. whatever you did was getting invalidated. having a screaming competition with them were enough for a person to lost their will to live. it was emotional draining.

after your mom calling you and telling how your brother doing his best for in his ages and adding there's you who sleeping around with some boy. this was the last straw for you since this week was stressful enough to you because of starting a college.

resting your forehead to pillow under your head, you took a deep breath and tried to calm yourself. they always made you feel like useless. as if it was not enough, your mom calumniated to you.

not being able to suppress your sobbing noises, you stopped holding your throat tight and again let all the tears fall. sinking your head little by little, when you felt your mouth covered with pillow's cloth, you screamed just once not wanting to worry about if someone hears you. you felt your ears went deafening, body was shaking and face was red. at first you didn't felt the touch of bokuto. after a minute, you felt his tight grip on between your butt and waist. his palms was on your tummy, slowly caressing your skin with tip of his fingers.

"i got you, just keep breathing nice and slow baby."

feeling his head resting on your back, you tried to do what he said. there was a shaking feeling in your tummy as you tried to breath. your body was shaking mess, your throat was sore.

you slowly signaled that you were going to turn to him, moving your butt to side. bokuto loosened his arms and moved back to give you space to turn. as soon as you turned, not showing your face you fell into his arms and hugged him tightly. you sunk your face in his chest and started to inhale his scent while letting yourself to relax.

you didn't want to cry anymore but the memories was rushing to your mind and making your eyes teary.

"cry if you want baby," when bokuto heard your sniffling noises. after giving a kiss to your head, he started to stroke your hair.

"i am here for you. you can talk about if you want."

sniffing your nose noisily, you tightened your arms around his waist. he quietly giggled at noises you made and pulled you closer to himself. you put your hands under his shirt, start caressing his soft skin.

his smell, his embrace, the way his chest raising slowly, everything about him made you feel safe, loved and calm.

"it's just classic. my mom again, kou." you lift your head from his chest and looked at him.

"she called me, told me my brother's achievements and insulted me saying bad things."

he put his hand on your cheek and kissing your nose and lips.

"you know, this week was kind of stressful for me cause i just started to college and i guess this was the last straw."

"my baby, i am sorry to say but your parents are trash. i am glad, you moved out with me." he said in quiet tone. letting his hand slide to your neck, he pulled you closer and gave you a soft peck.

"just, i don't want you to ruin yourself because of the people who isn't worth." he looked into your eyes as if he wanted to touch your soul.

"maybe i am not the one who can talk like this about your family but seeing you cry because of them makes me angry and sad." bokuto caressed your cheek. you gave him a little smile. without pulling back your arms around him, you put your head on his neck and kissed his skin.

"you're my family."

you felt his heart beat was fastened.

"i am glad i made you feel like it baby."

hey umm i feel like i messed up bc after the part where you screamed i mean i actually had breakdown after writing those and i couldn't continue to write so i wrote after that part three hours later so it can feel there's plot hole?? or something im sorry if it's like it.

[guardianspirits13]

I wanna talk about Natsuo Todoroki for a second here.

tw// mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide

Natsuo visibly has the most emotional trauma out of anyone else in his family (Touya not included), and I really wanna talk about why that is.

For starters, we haven't seen him really smile since he was introduced in chapter 187. He's introduced as having a friendly, easygoing persona and it's easy to imagine this is how most people outside of his family know him. However, every time we see him appear since then, another layer of his trauma is revealed and expanded upon, and it cuts DEEP.

I think the main reason that Natsuo still seems so vulnerable compared to the rest of his family is different than what you'd assume. Fuyumi and Shouto both spend a lot of time around Endeavor, and have been in close proximity to his (relatively recent) decision to atone. They have seen his growth firsthand and come to terms with it. Rei has obviously taken a very different path to healing- not entirely voluntarily- but she has been working with doctors and therapists for years to change and recover and reconnect with herself and her children. Natsuo is off at college, and takes every opportunity he can to avoid Endeavor. He (understandably) wants nothing to do with him, and shows stagnant resistance to his attempts to atone.

The reason why Natsuo can't move on from the past is because his trauma didn't come from Endeavor. It came from Touya.

Now initially we were led to believe that it was simply Touya's untimely death that still bothers Natsuo, and it makes sense seeing how Endeavor drove him to the edge. Losing his best friend and brother as a young kid without parents to support him or any therapist to speak of can absolutely been the source of persistent emotional damage, but the more and more we learn about Touya's situation, the more evident it becomes that Natsuo's trauma is much much deeper than even grief.

Touya, as we know, was driven by an ambition instilled in him by his father and experienced extreme rejection sensitivity when those ambitions were no longer realistic. Touya's relationship with his parents could be described as insecure attachment, a psychological term primarily regarding how kids react and respond to their parents and other close relationships. As he was raised, Touya learned to equate his potential to be a hero with his personal worth and similarly confounded attention with love. The difference being, of course, that love is unconditional, but even attention was being continually directed away from him as a punishment for continuing to train and burn himself so he could once again become worthy in his fathers' eyes.

This is where Natsuo comes in. At first it was assumed that all of the Todoroki children were born out of Endeavor's strong-willed desire to have a child that could surpass All Might, but we learned that this isn't exactly the case. I'd argue that it was narratively poetic on Horikoshi's part once this was expanded upon. Fuyumi was born to support and encourage her brother, and that is the exact role she plays 23 years later, keeping her family together.

Natsuo's case is even more intersting.

It was bad enough if Natsuo was only born for the potential of his quirk, but it's even more sinister that the sole intent behind his birth was to discourage Touya from his ambitions. I'd say it was to replace him, but it was more to promote the idea that Touya was expendable than to raise aonther kid with the same ideals but the potential to actually achieve it, although that was definitely a secondary motivation.

The parallelism in this is how much Natsuo's life revolves around Touya. He was born because of Touya, he looked up to and took care of Touya as a kid, and the absence of Touya in the present continues to drive him and his decisions in life (but more on that later).

I continue to pray that we will eventually get more solid backstory on Natsuo and Touya's relationship as kids and where it cut off, wether on a bad note or not, but there are a few things we know for certain. One, Touya was mentally ill. Yes, he was rejected by his parents but he seems to have been particularly vulnerable to this compared to any of his siblings since he was the first of them and thus relied only on his parents for validation in his early years. He shows early signs of a variety of different mental disorders, particularly BPD, which I have previously written a whole analysis for on its own. Touya is shown self-harming both by the very nature of his quirk and even by very directly ripping his hair out. He was incredibly self-destructive.

This is why it is so much more concerning to me that Natsuo, who was AT LEAST four years younger than him, was his primary source of comfort. Natsuo was too young to have known anything more than 'my big brother is sad that daddy won't train him anymore' and he obviously wasn't equipped in any way to handle Touya's severe mental illness. Touya most definitely needed professional treaatment as his forms of coping were abnormal even for the neglect and rejection that he experienced. Natsuo comforted Touya through breakdown after breakdown, and more than that Touya relied on him and came to him voluntarily for support. Natsuo was the best option he had, and he took full advantage of that. The main source of Natsuo's trauma was Touya's reliance on him.

Not to say at all that this was in any way Touya's fault- he was mentally ill and desperately in need of some form of comfort to keep him sane; it was almost a survival method at this point since neither of his parents really acknowleged him at all anymore. Touya's instability hurt Natsuo more than parental neglect ever did, but it was the neglect that enabled it and striped Touya of the supportive atmosphere he would have needed at this point not only to prevent but to heal from the mental damage he had already suffered.

Natsuo dealt with this for years and you can see how much it hurt him to see Touya in so much pain, not only from Endeavor's rejection but from his own self harm as well. For Natuso to know that his brotherly love would never be the same as having loving parents; would neve be enough- but at least it was something so he continued to love and care about his brother for little in return- is indicative of the kind of character he is.

(Edit: After the events of chapter 302 we know that Natsuo's relationship with Touya wasn't perfect. I will elaborate more on this in a different post, but I just wanted to clarify that although we were shown a very high-tension scene between them, it is implied that this was a regular occurrence that Natsuo was usually more receptive too but tired out of, in addition to Touya's spiraling mental health. It fit with the natrative to show the tension Touya was feeling with his family from all directions, but Natsu and Touya clearly had a stronger relationship up to and before this point, evidenced by their sharing a room and playing together regularly.)

He is incredibly selfless, and it's interesting to note how many of his positive qualities as an adult stem from negative experiences as a kid. He never really felt love from his parents, so he relied on Touya (and likely also Fuyumi) for that as well. If he grew up learning he had to give love in order to recieve it back, it absolutely influenced who he became in the future, a solid example of this being the responsibility he feels to reach out and have a relationship with Shouto and further regrets that he wasn't able to help his abuse in the past either. Another aspect of his character that intruigues me is how gentle he is. Personality-wise he seems about as opposite as he could be from the awkward, stoic, emotionally-stunted person that is Endeavor.

There are a couple of reasons for this, beyond what I've already discussed.

One, he had little to no contact with elements of toxic masculinity growing up, especially not from Endeavor.

Two, most of the influence he did have growing up was from Fuyumi, who is established to have endlessly cared for him since he was a literal baby.

Three, he grew up in a household where almost everyone around him was in much more literal, immediate pain than he was so he developed a very strong sense of empathy that might also have been tied to early survivor's guilt.

Now I have one important distinction to make, and that's the temptation to label him as a 'softboy' or something of the like after seeing him caring for his family and more pointedly, watching him break down in tears during chapter 252. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being soft or vulnerable (on the contrary it's actually so so important and relevant that Hori is writing characters like this in a mainstream shounen manga but that's an essay for another time), it is unfair to label him as such based on a moment when his trauma is being exposed.

Because his truama stems from such a young age, there is a blurry line between just being born with more emotional intelligence and the situation he was in fostering those traits. You know, the classic nature/nurture thing. My point being, it's important to tread carefully when discussing the nature of his personality to avoid invalidating his trauma; I have no doubt that he is very strong for having survived these things, and the moments we see of him onscreen are definitely among his most vulnerable.

Another thing that people less familiar with Natsuo's character might assume is that he is hot-headed and argumentative. I thought that at first too- after all, he doesn't seem to shy away from yelling at Endeavor when given the opportunity. However, this doesn't seem to be the case at all.

The first real scene we see him in with Endeavor, the man walks into the room and Natsuo decides he can't handle it and goes to leave. However, Endeavor happens to be blocking the doorway. Endeavor physically stops him and provokes him to his face, asking him to say whatever is on him mind. While Natsuo is notably not confrontational, Endeavor is. I think it's fair to say that he felt at least uneasy at this gesture. Natsuo is very honest with his feelings, and it's obvious that he's pissed at the audacity of Endeavor to be so oblivious to his own son. This is presumably one of the first real interactions they've ever really had, and at this point Natsuo has been dealing with trauma (caused by Endeavor!) on his own for years, and Endeavor seems completely oblivious to his pain and dismmisive to the rest of the family's as well.

Again during the internship arc Natsuo tries to get along with Endeavor and this time he actually gives it a fleeting chance. Tensions are high, however, and the conversation very quickly becomes uncomfortable, at which point he leaves. It is continually implied that Natsuo is uncomfortable being around Endeavor because his very presence brings up painful thoughts and memories of a time when sharing the same space as him was a warning to run and hide. This is later directly confirmed by Natsuo as he says that every time he looks at Endeavor's face he remembers Touya and the pain he was in.

I feel like an important side note is that we have never seen Natsuo outside the context of his family, which is understandable, as the role he plays in the story directly relates to them. However, if you take a look at Shouto, even though his experiences have shaped him to become who he is, he definitely acts differently when Endeavor's not in the vicinity.

Back to Touya's death, it would be very rare that someone would mourn a death for an entire decade without finding closure unless there are other factors preventing it, and uncomfortably this seems to be the same thing for both Natsuo and Endeavor: guilt.

This is getting incredibly long already, but it's important to note that Natsuo probably felt an incredible responsibility to take care of Touya and protect him because of his empathetic nature. His love was never going to be the same as having loving parents. His encouragement was never going to be the same as having support from Endeavor. Even further than then neglect and abandonement, it was not being able to save Touya that really made Natsuo feel worthless.

He seems to try and remedy this inability to save Touya and diminish his guilt by doing everything he can to be better. He reaches out to Shouto to be a better brother, he consistently pushes his limits to entertain Fuyumi's notion of a happy family, and he's working hard towards a degree rhat will allow him to help people like Touya (and Rei) because he failed to do so in the past.

His bio mildly implies that he didn't have much of a direction he was heading in after high school, but Fuyumi's encouragement led him to seek out his current college career. This goes back to Natsuo's 'purpose' in a sense revolving arount Touya, from his birth to his relationship with him to his death, after which he lost his direction. They were always rather inseperable, so naturally their seperation hit Natsuo hard. He lost his direction in life so when Fuyumi encouraged him to rediscover it, he thought of helping people, because that's ultimately what he was born to do.

Thank you so, so much for reading this if you made it to the end! I clearly have a lot of thoughts on this. Let me know what you think about it as well, and hopefully we'll get more info on this soon in the manga :)

[honeymoonjin]

Joonie baby what's your take on gender fluidity, toxic masculinity, and men feminist? And would you ever wear makeup or let someone do your nails? like... when I was younger my brother let me paint his nails, it was enlightening to be able to see a man wearing nail polish around, would you be ok with that as a manly man?

“Wow, okay, that’s a lot to cover,” Namjoon says with wide eyes. “Let’s start with gender fluidity. Biological sex and gender aren’t related, and aren’t binary, and I think having people that identify as different places on that spectrum makes the world a far more lively and genuine place. I’ve been fortunate to always feel like my body reflected my identity, but that isn’t the same for everyone, and really it’s none of my business how someone chooses to identify, so all I seek to do is support and respect them.”

Clearing his throat and counting on his fingers, he moves to the next topic. “Toxic masculinity is so damaging and harmful to our society and is that way to all parties involved. It invalidates men who don’t feel masculine, it invalidates men who feel masculine but have a warped idea of what that means, and it affects everyone as a whole since it pushes these stereotypes of gender roles. Fitting into a stereotype is okay, fitting a stereotype onto an entire group of people is not okay.”

“Now! Male feminists! In my opinion, gender is absolutely irrelevant to being a feminist, the ultimate point is for equality to be achieved, and we should all take part in that. Your gender shouldn’t affect people’s perception of you socially, your role in a society, or your rights. And finally, I would quite happily wear makeup or nail polish, though I haven’t the slightest clue how to actually make it look good like Jimin always does.”

[almond-assistant]

A very long rant and my opinions on neofeminism

Keep in mind that these are very opinionated, and I really don’t wanna fight with you. I’m only posting this so people know where I stand with this stuff, and so they know what kind of person I am.

Inequality: (the fake scenario here is metaphorical and also taken from a youtube video) Imagine there was a short person and a tall person, and there's a wall. In order to see over it, both people are given a stool of equal height to stand on. The tall person is still taller, and can see farther. Instead of giving the taller person a shorter stool, or a short person a taller stool, how about we give nobody a stool. Instead, give them equal materials to build their stool. Equal opportunity does not mean an equal outcome.

Wage Gap: That thing? It's non-existent; women are actually 'out-earning' men, according to literally every governmental source. And if the wage gap existed, it'd be illegal, considering women recieved equal rights in America in 1972.

Transphobia: Trans people are propped up and given all sorts of support in society! I remember at one point I considered myself transgender (I'm still queer-identifying fyi), and I was treated just as well, if not better, than most kids at my high school. And you know how you guys are so "supportive" of trans-men? Well, guess what. By not grouping him in with the cis men, you are therefore being transphobic by invalidating his identity, implying he is not like the cis man, as he would like to be seen as. Do you call a trans guy a rapist, like a cis man? No. Do you consider him sexist, like the cis man? Of course not! Even if he is, you wouldn't DARE accuse him of that! Right? Because he's an owo smol trans flower boy. By rubbing it in everybody's faces that you/someone you know is trans, you are therefore negating the fact that they'd like to be treated like a cisgendered person in the first place. Same goes for trans-women. FYI, I completely support real trans people!

Transtrenders: Super transphobic! If you want to be babied and called uwu smol then go join the adult baby community. You want to be queer? Just don't label yourself trans! Want attention? Go join a fucking talent show or something idk. Don't have dysphoria? What's the point in calling yourself the opposite gender? I don't get that. Wanna be a futa catgirl? I... I don't even know. Please stop that. Sexualizing trans/intersex people is transphobic. Trying to fit in? I get that. I did that. But please, please. don't rub it in everyone's faces. I actually DO have a bit of social dysphoria, but I used to make it a bigger deal than it should've been.

Patriarchy: I agree that patriarchy doesn't work. But, patriarchy is also basically gone, so I don't agree that it's this really big deal you guys make it out to be. On the other hand, matriarchy doesn't work well either. It takes both genders for lots of things to run smoothly. There are highly positioned women and men. That's what makes systems work, including reproduction and all that jazz. So basically, men are in fact needed. Stop treating them like shit. If you got rid of men, we'd go extinct. I know there's this thing with women's bone marrow or whatever, but that's not really relevant, and it isn't even guaranteed to work. By separating women from men, you are therefore being sexist, because equality doesn't have anything to do with gender. It's like if x=y, then y=x, y=y, and x=x. If x and y was female and male, or literally any gender, this would be the goal of feminism by definition. Without the belief that women are currently in a lesser position in society, neo-feminism falls flat. Speaking of which, you always focus on women, why aren't you including all of the other "genders"? Isn't that a bit sexist of you? Society is giving women everything they don't deserve. That's not equality. And yet you still think women are opressed.

Rape Culture: And before you rush to the comments with "You don't know what it's like to be sexually harassed!", I do, and that's why this topic ticks me off so much. Anyway, by labeling all men as rapists, you are therefore being sexist. And, even though you guys say men/boys can't be raped, they have been, and can be. Males are actually sexually exploited more than women. Furthermore, women can be rapists. Consent doesn't apply to just the woman. If a woman wants to have sex with a guy and he says no, yet she forces him to, it's still rape. Legal sexual interactions require both parties involved to give consent. I read a post on here that said something to the effect of, "If you don't have sex with a fat woman, you're raping her". That... boggles my mind.

Ableism: I have mental illnesses too, so this also pisses me off. I mean, I get that some people are wheelchair-bound or don't have the same mental abilities as a neurotypical person. I think it's great that we're helping to accomodate these people! But when you call everything that could even possibly leave out someone other than the neurotypicals ableist, it's frustrating. Literally anything could be ableist or classist. Eating pizza? No, this is ableist because some people have diabetes and can't eat certain things. Running gear? Ableist. Some people have to use wheelchairs, either because they were born paralyzed in the legs, or because they're too obese to move. Brain exercises? No, get that out of here. That's offensive to people with autism or the like, because their brains don't work like that, and it implies they're not good enough. therapy? Kill it with fire. You're saying we neurodivergents are not ok? It's like you don't care about people that want to get better. There's such thing as a target audience, so now let's see.. Pizza? Oh! That's for people who want a quick, cheap, and easy meal! Running gear? That's meant to interst people who enjoy being fit and maintaining their cardiovascular health. Wheelchair-bound folks have specialized exercises for keeping their muscles healthy. Running would not be as effective of a way for them to do that. Brain exercises? For people who want to keep their brain sharp and improve certain areas where they might have weaknesses. Again, people such as my brother (who has medium-high functioning autism) can have special exercises provided to them. But when companies manufacture products that leave out the neurotypical person, nobody thinks twice. So much for equality.

Fatphobia: I do agree that this one exists, although I've never experienced it myself, since I myself have problems gaining weight and keeping it on. I'm actually guilty of fatphobia, but hear me out. I don't mind if you're overweight, as long as others don't have to make special accomodations at no cost to the one being accomodated. If you're 500+ pounds and/or you need a wheelchair and two seats on a plane, I'm calling you out. There's no way you could be that fat without doing it to yourself or having a disability. I don't mind these things if you do have a disability, I understand you couldn't control it then. But if you're just sitting in your bed all day stuffing your face with cheese curls, you have no right to whine about fatphobia, as you could've easily prevented it. Mental disorders such as depression or anxiety that may lower your motivation so low that you don't care, I also get, since I've been in that situation plenty of times. Regardless though, I will not say you are beautiful. This is my personal opinion, and I know others may find obesity attractive, or even erotic (which is in itself fatphobic), but I do not. There are people who don't actually find it pretty, but still say it is. Please stop that. Speak your mind, yo. It's kinda sad that others shape your views, and if you don't agree entirely with the flock, you're not one of them, yknow? That's like... a cult or something.

Classism: I'm soft on this one, since I've been in and out of financial stability throughout my childhood and it sorta fucked me up. But again, calling everything classist is just not right. Songs about fancy cars and diamonds are praising the lush life, not making lower classes feel bad. If anything, those songs help them work harder to achieve their own dreams and have their own great life. But again, it's all about the target audience.

Racism: Racism was originally based off of fear and confusion. Other races had never seen a different skin color than their people's, and thought they were a different breed or species. The reason europeans and americans viewed africans as animals, is because they didn't know what else they could be. African society wasn't as developed, and the African people exhibited very primitive behaviors, as opposed to the educated caucasian. After a while, the african people taken to other lands as slaves, started to dislike that life and form their own opinions and values. The white people learned that the Africans were just humans of a different color, and eventually softened up a bit. But they couldn't abandon their ways of life, so the slaves slaved on, and the rich got richer. These values passed through generations, and eventually someone said, "Stop, these are people too, let's set em' free.". Though, yes, some families still teach their children to be racist, they don't imprison them anymore. Schools do a very good job of describing the treacheries of racism and slavery so it doesn't happen again. Most of my friends (and my boyfriend who I love so so much) are of color, in one way or another. Shit, I'm like, an eighth native american. I do consider myself white though, I'm Norwegian and Irish, for the most part. But I'll still honor my roots. Anyway, even modern racism is still based on fear. Islamophobia stems from terrorism, Black violence comes from stories of gangs and police shootings, and lots of other xenophobia stems from stereotypes. I'm completely against racism, trust me. But when you separate white from black and call white people scum, and call people of color 'strong, independent', and discard white people, it's kinda confusing. Racism applies to race, and caucasian is a race. Get it together.

Cisphobia: That exists. Cisgenderism/Heterosexuality are still identities, whether you want them to be or not.

Sexualities: Cool, You like people (Or you don't, if you're ace/aro). I know these sexualities were shunned before but most people are really accepting now! Just not the weird demonsexual things. Some people don't understand that too much. I sure don't.

Genders: Same as sexualities, don't get too crazy and people are cool w/ it.

Mogai and Neopronouns: Shit, get them out of here. You're making actual LGBT+ people look like a joke.

Anything I didn't mention that you'd like to hear my opinion on? Leave an ask! All interaction is welcome, though not all is wanted. Regardless, I'll try to be kind to you. I really have no reason to be rude to you if I don't know too much about you.

-Kevyn (almondassistant)

[the-royal-courier]

People of Azeroth: Jeannette Lane, former horse jumping champion.

By Kankor Williams

A recent photo of the Jeannette Lane. [source]

“What’s your career path ever since you retired from jumping?"  "Well, I didn’t go to school after my recovery, the scholarship was gone, so as you know, I was a waitress for about a year at the Ship In'A Bottle, I was a book putter-awayer, I guess? For this library in the mage quarter. Uh, let’s see. I’m a courier for now… Looking for something new at the moment.” “I see, I see. What advice would you give to someone considering entering equestrianism?”

“Pick the right horse. Sabel, my, uh, old show horse, she was difficult with others but melded well with me. You’re supposed to be a team out there, it’s not just you, and it’s not just the horse. It’s a balance. And uh, wear a helmet, and never ride alone. You can kiss your dreams goodbye if you do something stupid…”

“You said in a local newspaper interview when you were fifteen that your advice to anyone starting out in horse sports was to check the girth, never ride alone, and wear a helmet. Since your accident, has your advice changed?”

“No, not at all. In fact, my mistake should be a lesson to up-and-coming riders, and a reminder to seasoned professionals. Wearing a helmet would’ve saved my health and career. My tale should be a cautionary one.”

“Your words are wise, that’s for certain… ah… Do you see yourself returning to show jumping?”

“Do I see myself returning..? For -performing- the sport? I’m not sure. Perhaps as a coach, like I used to have. I haven’t ridden a horse or even been near once since, so it’s hard to say I’ll jump again… but to say I never thought about dusting off the saddle would be a lie. Those were the good ol’ days, Kankor! … I made my parents very proud. My peak, so far.”

“Aye… Your peek, so far. But, anyway, high hopes for you there. Ahem. Where have you been hiding out ever since you retired? Do people recognize you still?”

A photo of Jean riding Sabel as a young girl. [source]

“Thank you, Kankor. Well, Stormwind, honestly. My family moved here because traveling from deep into Elwynn to the city was time consuming, and we were running out of money. We sold everything and moved here and I’ve been living in the same place ever since. Up until recently, I’m in the process of moving to a new apartment, out of my par- my mom’s house, sorry. “ “As for the recognizing part? No, at least not like I used to, obviously, but there are times someone will recognize me. For example, I went out to get drinks with this guy some few nights ago, like a date, I guess, and he asked for an autograph halfway through. I obliged, of course,  but it’s funny in hindsight.”

“Very exciting to hear. You’ve got a bright path ahead of you, Miss Lane. But, anyway, tell about your recovery process!

"The only doctors who were specialists worked in Stormwind. And I lived on the opposite side of Elwynn, and traveling back and forth at first was very hard. And, uh, my parents didn’t have my brother to take care of anymore, so they just… packed up and sold everything. Moved to where we’re sitting right now actually. But because of that, there was a lot of financial problems, which ultimately ended in my parent’s divorce. After my spinal surgery and after my depressed skull fracture was healed, I had to learn a lot of basic function again. I had a really lovely nurse, her name is escaping me at the moment… But she helped me get used to my back brace. Taught me plenty of exercises to strengthen my core and back muscles. It was annoying. I was very upset to be there for as long as I was, several months. But figured when I got out I would ride again, but I now have chronic back pain. Horse sports sort of got taken away from me. I take medication every day now, and probably will for the rest of my life. And it’s something I’m currently working to get over.”

“Very tough times, it sounds. You must be a tough one, Miss Lane! Ahem, could you tell me what you’ve been pursuing after your recovery?”

“Right after my recovery, I was in just this pit of anger and sadness. I kept to myself for many years. Only until recently have I opened up just a bit more. I’ve made new friends. I dated, which, at the time, was unheard of. I traveled a lot. I was employed. I’m currently just trying to find a new place to live in the city and going back to school. Since my scholarship is now invalid, I guess, I’ll have to pay out of pocket. But I guess, to put it in a nutshell, I’m pursuing bettering myself right now. I think it’s about time I get out of this pit I’ve been in for five years.”

“That’s admirable of you! To better yourself is to better not only your own life, but all those around you as well! What was your biggest source of support during the recovery time?”

“My mother and father. They came and visited every day until they had to go. My grandmother visited me as well. My auntie and cousins… Pretty much my family and my nurse. As much as I resented their help and pity at the time, in hindsight, I do appreciate it.”

A younger Jean aged 14. A candid at a contest [source]

“Ah, that’s good to hear. Help in a time of need is something to truly be cherished, if not in the moment, then in the future. But, we’re coming to a close! Have you had any recent achievements?”

"Well, let’s see. Aside from my epiphany to better myself, I’ve signed a lease for my first home myself, I’m employed now, I’m a godmother to two beautiful babies. And I’m going to be another to one of my own. I am… I’m pregnant!”

“Congratulations! When is your due date?”

“Mid January. The 15th.”

Jeannette Lane was a former horse jumping champion in her younger years, earning many a title. She had to discontinue due to her injuries, but life is looking up for the retired horse jumper! The Royal Courier congratulates Ms. Lane on her pregnancy and thanks her for allowing us to catch up with the former champion.

@jeannette-lane

[chaos2go]

OC Asks for Barret~ 4, 5, 10, 14, 26, 36, 48, 50! (I love the deeper questions, sorry ❤️)

Oh boi I hope I can answer these fast XD I’m putting a read more in just so you know : D

4. What kind of clothing does your OC wear?

Well that’s kinda hard for me to hit on honestly because I’ve never really drawn him and my older descriptions are rather invalid. Plus science fiction XD But overall I have a few different concepts. Mercenary Barret tends to wear an all black ‘zero suit’ like outfit. Or rather something similar to Starcraft’s Ghosts or Spectres. Given my concept of fashion for mercs in that era is less bulky, zero suit is probably the better thing to go off of. I don’t want to sit here and describe it as it isn’t set in stone. When he gives up on that, he’s mostly found in a more casual outfit. Well fitting pants, shirt, and usually a long trench coat if he’s out. He also wears his hair back. Sorry for this being a sucky answer though XD

5. What is your OC’s first memory?

Oh gosh. His first real memory is of his mother. It’s not very vivid to him anymore but it’s her just comforting him as his head really hurts due to his powers. She was talking about something but he just doesn’t know what anymore. As a young kid, he had issues controlling them given his strength with them. He was in a lot of pain. She spent as much time as allowed with him despite the risk of injury for being alongside him. Livia wasn’t stupid in realizing her kid needed to be at ease in order for his powers to be controlled. Sometimes he swears Chris is there too trying to cheer him up but he was pretty young so it might be two things.

10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC?

I want to say sloth so bad. Like just gut instinct given how others perceive him. Everyone assumes his powers come easy to him and all the jobs he does as a merc he makes look so easy. There was rarely any trouble. His training for the most part he hardly put any effort in to. Little does everyone else know though that he often tried to write things and keep some sort of control over his powers with the help of his mother. When she died, perhaps laziness did start. But that goes to what I really think represents him.

Envy really is what represents him. Ever since he was little, he always assumed that everyone else liked his brother more. Despite all the time his mother spent with him, Barret always assumed Chris got more time. Chris got the special treatment while he was left behind. He felt like he was pushed away from his family given his powers had to be controlled and taught by an institution given law. His father rarely spent time with them and he could have swore as a kid that his father hated him for his powers. Honestly he was envious of how normal the rest of his family was.

When his mother died, he was so lost on the fact he wasn’t there when she passed. It wasn’t fair that his father and Chris got to see her before she died. He got there too late. Chris got to become the next in line for leadership where the family business was. Chris got a family. Overall Chris was just happier and luckier. Barret had to work for everything and just felt belittled. And when he got something he cared about, it was taken away. He couldn’t even get happiness and it wasn’t fair.

But needless to say he got over this eventually. Thus why Sloth I think also represents him just not as much. He is lazy later on in life but it’s because he’s found ways to make things work better. Barret doesn’t need to be envious of others as he’s figured out how to be happy.

14. What foods does your OC like to eat? What are their least favorite foods?

This one will probably change from whatever I said last time XD Because Barret has changed a bit as a character. He likes to eat fruits, salads, and sweets. Things to keep his body in check as he needs a healthy body in order for his powers to function properly. Not that it’s a priority or that you need to be IN SHAPE to control your psychic abilities in this world. It’s just certain foods help the brain work better thus better behaved powers. Sweets are just one of his weaknesses. Like he loves hard candies and probably had quite a few from his mom as a kid XD

Most meats he doesn’t care for unless they’re cooked in some sort of sauce. He also really hates nuts of any kind. Straight up chocolate also makes him want to vomit.

26. Who is the most important person in their life? Why? Who is the least important to them (that still has an impact and why?

GOSH it depends on the time in his life. But honestly I want to say Zane and Michelle.

Zane is his only connection left to Ashley. He was also his first student. Without Zane, Barret wouldn’t have been able to realize he is capable of being more than just a mercenary grunt. There is a fatherly love he has towards the kid as he works with him and realizes the common issues they have. Zane has so many bad things going for him that he can’t help but want to step in and use what authority he has to make things better. But this is also in part to Michelle.

Michelle is super important to him because she taught him that things can get better and happiness can be achieved. At first he wanted nothing to do with her and thought her weird given she’s not exactly like the rest of the people in this area of the galaxy. She didn’t exactly want a whole lot to do with him either but situations and work kinda intertwined. Plus Michelle did offer to help Barret out. She gave him a person to talk to, a person to confide in, and a person to explain a lot of things he bottled up. In return he was able to learn about her too and realize that honestly he was kind of shallow before. She opens up a side of him that he thought he couldn’t show anymore. Pretty much he could relax and be himself instead of Shield (his merc name).

36. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

Barret honestly just wants to be happy. He doesn’t feel it fair he has always had the shit end of the stick. He tried to deal with it through drinking, smoking, one night stands, extremely dangerous jobs, making enemies, etc. Anything to make him feel validated. It wasn’t so bad before his mother passed but it grew terrible as he bottled things up. If Ashley wouldn’t have caught his eye, he probably would have took on a similar mission like his mother did and got himself killed too.

48.What were their parents like? How has that affected how they are as an adult?

Barret’s mother Livia was a chemist/field medic. She unexpectedly found out she was pregnant with Barret when she was in whatever would be considered college like in that era and had to drop out. Most of her studies were then rushed in for merc work thus her becoming a field medic. She did that after he was born to try and help others because focusing on chemicals (toxins, poisons, just about anything vicious was an area of interest for her despite how her personality was seen) felt wrong given a war her company got dragged in to. There is where she rescued Chris and figured out how to help him stabilize. Barret was still a baby so he really didn’t learn about that until sometime after Chris did too. Needless to say, she cared a lot about both of her kids. She did her best to be there for both but Barret’s powers meant he had to be away the good majority of the time. She wrote him often and asked for stories (thus where he grew to love telling them despite no one but her really knowing). She was the only one that could really comfort him even when he was older. To him, she was the only individual who knew how he could really be and the only member of his family that didn’t want to completely write him off. (Honestly a lot of that idea is in Barret’s head). Her death pretty much made a giant wall between him and his family despite them trying to reach out.

Barret’s father however wasn’t as constant as he would have liked to be. He was a merc himself and had a lot of far away jobs. He did his best to visit as often as possible but Barret was often away when he returned. This didn’t mean he didn’t leave gifts but that made Barret feel as if his father didn’t care. Chris had a lot of stories about what they did together yet Barret had maybe one or two. Him trying to contact Barret and be there for him after his mother’s passing didn’t really go well either. Barret let him know how he really felt and wrote him off. It wasn’t until he tried after Ashley died that he got any sort of success and broke the barriers with Barret. Barret still holds a grudge for the lack of time with him as a kid but is very appreciative of him being there now. He sees that his father has a lot regret especially when it came to Livia.

50.If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count?

WELL IF IT IS THE DEATH OF SOMEONE HE CARES ABOUT, you better well not have shot them or something. Because he would kill you. But if it’s something like an accident, he panics and can’t control his power. He wants to be involved and helped. But that’s in the case of other people since his story relates around those two different kinds of deaths ;p

For him however, he probably wouldn’t care too much. He knows he has a shortened lifespan and anything sooner wouldn’t be a big surprise. He would however worry about his family. His children, student, and fiancee are his life for the most part. He has gotten close to those he wants to help and is a little too involved with his own children. Being with them would be what would make him happy and I don’t think he’d try to do anything that would extend his life given short lifespan anyway. Only if there was a high percentage chance would he even try.

Though honestly I don’t have that idea in mind for him ever. I see him going out in a place that would make him happy. Perhaps not his family but him. That idea being a family gathering. He’s at his ‘elderly’ stage in life and just knows he’s going to be going. He doesn’t want to given the rest of his family is so happy and full of life. Being frail has scared him and he has spoken to Michelle about it. She probably understands where he’s coming from and wishes  he would have tried to do something but given her job, she also understands why he isn’t. So really just imagine him in a room watching his family before he just asks for her to help him somewhere a little more reserved.. For him, seeing his family happy would be a good thing. And being with Michelle at the end would mean a lot.  But this is also super sappy and I’ll be even more honest… he’d probably end up dying to Zane’s inventions /shot

[shewantstobebeautiful]

On boundaries and invalidations

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had issues with setting boundaries and having my feelings/wants/needs completely invalidating and overlooked. Seriously, thinking back to my childhood, I was very uncomfortable around men. Not just because my parents divorced and I was raised almost compeltely by women when I was very young. But because I was sexually assisted, multiple times by more than once person before ever hitting puberty. I never told anyone until recently, but that is not the point. I never felt comfortable around men, but I was a very cute little kid and adults fawned all over me, never listening when I said to stop tickling or when I didn’t want to talk just to they could giggle and laugh at my speech impediment or when I didn’t want to sit on laps anymore.

The same thing goes for being invalidated for what I’m feeling. When you’re a kid you don’t have the proper vocabulary skills to express what you’re feeling or why. Which makes it hard to explain why you’re scared or sad for no reason whatsoever. It look me years to realize that the sudden and intense fear that made me cry and occasionally throw up it was so bad, were panic attacks. I would be sad for days on end, no matter the situation, and cry and be told off for crying for no reason (“I’ll give you something to cry about”) or having zero desire to do anything except sleep, those were my first episodes of depression.

My first year of high school, I knew I needed help. I didn’t want to talk to my mom because she had previously written off the panic attacks (“really, shelby? Again? You’re fine.”), all consuming anxiety, and depression (“it’s just your period”) since I started having those feelings. I remember sitting at the dining room table after getting yelled at for so long about my dropping grades, crying because I had always been good in school, always been on the honor roll, and knowing I was still capable of those same achievements, but I couldn’t get past whatever was wrong in my brain to make it happen. I tried telling my mom I needed to see a therapist. That something was wrong. That I was scared, scared of myself, scared for myself. It wasn’t until almost the entire school year later, after I had taken to cutting myself to cope with everything that she realized how serious I had been all those months ago.

Around that same time, my bounderies were pushed even more. We lived in an old house and my door didn’t have a latch on it. So to keep the dog out of my room so she wouldn’t keep chewing up my things, my mother put a simple hook and eye lock on my door so it would stay closed when I wasn’t in it. My brother took to locking me in my room, thinking it was hysterical. More than once I had to climb out my own bedroom window just to get out of my room or yank my door open so hard I had had the door knob come off in my hand. We also only had once bathroom. That was the one room with a lock (that comes into play soon). I would announce to the family when I was going to shower and ask if anyone needed in there before my shower, so I wouldn’t be disturbed. It took me years to learn to do this, but even so I would always have someone knocking or just barging in halfway through my shower (not even 30 minutes) saying they needed to use the bathroom. So I would be stark ass naked, with usually my step dad or brother through a flimsy shower curtain or worse before we got rid of it, a clouded sliding glass door between us. Talk about an invasion of privacy. So I started taking to locking the door. To which I instantly started getting yelled at for. (“What if someone needs in there.” “What if something happens to you and we can’t get in.”) I would get the same lecture/scolds when I started putting my heavy saxophone case or a chair in front of my bedroom door when I slept because I had someone start invading my bed at night.

In therapy, I finally started learning that I matter. That what I feel matters. That what I want and what I need matter. That I’m allowed to say no and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s their problem, not my own. 10 years later, I’m still struggling with accepting it and making what I want known, but I at least can say it now and believe it.

It wasn’t until about 4 or so years later, when I moved out of my moms house not even a year after graduating high school, that I started testing bounderies. Simple things, like setting up rules with my roommate about shared common space and personal private space. And low and behold, she respected my bounderies. For the two years we lived together, maybe a handful of times did she knock on the bathroom door while I was in there. Never once did she break the noise rule we had in place or barge into my room without knocking, even if the door was open. It was liberating to feel validated and respected by somebody. Even if that somebody was simply my best friend.

Alas, at 19 I was working 2 jobs and going to school full time, as well as being in a committed relationship and having a pretty active social life. This was just before the rise of awareness of the importance in mental health and self care. I would be going nonstop at least 5 days a week. Class from 8am-12pm on M/W/F, followed by working my first job from 12-4, second jo from 4:30-10, then home to study, hang out with friends or girlfriend, and usually smoke a lot of pot. On Tuesday’s and Thursday’s I would work opening shifts at my first job, from 5or6am-2:30pm, followed by the same second job hours. Weekend would be the same as Tuesday’s and Thursday’s but not end until around midnight, usually followed by partying at a first house. This scheduled went on for two years. Until one day, everything caught up with me. I’m not sure when it all crashed around me, not too long after my 21st birthday. I don’t remember when or what happened, I just remember being stoned out of my mind, hadn’t had proper meal or shower in a few days, sitting on the truck of my car, smoking a cigarette as I cried/fought with my then girlfriend about the new cuts on my arms.

I’ll save the depression and all that mental health talk for another rambling, that’s not why we’re here today. It ended with me getting help, lots of help, having to quit one of my jobs, break up with my girlfriend, and move back home with my mother, right back to the hell i had worked so hard to crawl out of. Only now, the rules and lack of freedom were even worse, and even more so because I was sick and “didn’t help around the house.” All the validation in myself that I had, that I was struggling to hold on to, disappeared like a smoke in the wind. Only worse, due to living on complete opposite schedule as my mom and step dad, so the rules just kept coming.

No showering after midnight, the noise wakes us up (I didn’t get home from work until 12:30 most nights)

The kitchen closes at midnight, make yourself food before you go to work and heat it up when you get off, you keep waking us up

No using the microwave once we’re asleep (my solution, turn the sound off the microwave so I can eat warm food)

Stop messing with the microwave, your step dad is convinced it’s broken

Clean the bathroom over the weekend (despite my busiest work days being the weekend)

Don’t add too much food to the grocery list, we aren’t made of money (I added an extra handful of things because a family party was coming up and I wanted to make a side everyone loved, but we didn’t have what I needed to do it)

No company

No company

No company

Don’t touch the thermostat (it was set at almost 80 in the winter, and my room was right above the furnace room, I was being roasted like a Christmas goose)

Don’t come in the backdoor

Quick stomping around after we go to sleep (old house, they lived in the basement, I could have and did tip toe, and it would still wake them up)

Take better car of your car (at this point, I was practically living in my car just to avoid being in the house, so the backseat was a mess of changes of clothes, fast food wrappers, and bottles of water, as well as a pillow and blanket for sleeping)

Stop hanging out with those people (three friends I had known since high school, only problem I stayed over at theirs a lot and was never home to be the house maid anymore)

At 23, I moved out again, with a threat/promise of never moving back into that house again, that I’ll be homeless first. I was moving in with a coworker and his girlfriend. I had grown very close with his girlfriend since he introduced us, wasn’t his biggest fan, but I needed out of that house. The three of us, and my boyfriend who moved in officially like a month later, had a small, two story condominium together. 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms. Enough space for all four of us. Until I learned that my coworker didn’t know/care about bounderies. Since he as comfortable with himself and didn’t care about a closed door or a shirt or names written on leftovers, neither did anybody else.

The first week of living together, I was already regretting moving in with them. In the course of 7 days I had:

Seen my coworkers dick

Been walked in on multiple times while showering or using the toilet (no lock on the door)

Been walked in on while having sex with my boyfriend (bought a lock that same day)

Had 3 different leftovers eaten

Had all of the soda I bought drank before I even had a can of it myself

Didn’t get told I had a bill from my therapist

Had my female roommate change her clothes in front of me, in my room, while we were talking about Shameless

Had both roommates invade my room to watch the movie Patrick and I were watch, without being invited

Overheard my male roommate having sex with someone that wasn’t his girlfriend (apparently they have an open relationship)

Now, Patrick and I live alone, preparing for the birth of our son (due literally any day now) and I’m working hard to put my foot down about what I need/want. And it needs to be known that what I, as someone who is about to push a baby out of my fucking body, need/want is honestly all that matters right now. I don’t want people staying with us. Yet, for the last three nights, we’ve had people staying with us. Nick two night and last night, their mother. I have told Patrick I don’t want anyone but us (him and I and the baby) staying in our apartment for at least the first week of the alien’s life. I’m scared and pissed off that that isn’t how it’s going to go though.

Patrick’s mom is on disability right now, recovering from a very bad fall she had in the winter. While she is doing much better, she isn’t working so she has nothing but free time. She came down earlier than excpected, as she decided she would like to be around for the birth and to be around for Nick, and will be staying in town until at least mid-June from what I have gathered. So she brought A LOT of stuff with her, as well as gifts for the baby and stuff (food) that can only be bought in her state that we like. I’m trying to have patience when it comes to this, that Nick’s ex basically trashed his apartment while she’s in the process of moving out, that Nick is very ashamed of his situation and doesn’t want his mom in his apartment until it’s less of a wreck, that she won’t be stay with us after the birth. But I’m miserably pregnant, want my space, and this baby out of me. I really don’t care that Nick’s life is a mess right now. If he would just accept his mom’s help, it would be over and done with before my son is even born.

I am giving it one more day, seriously until the end of today, and if I don’t get what I want, I’ll become a bitch and I really don’t care who’s feelings I hurt in the process. After 24 years of invalidation and people not respecting what I want and what I need, and with my son to worry about, I honest to god, can’t be bothered to spare feelings anymore. This is my apartment, my baby, my body. I’m not just a vessel for creating a life that you can take as you please, not just a place you can crash because we have “an extra room”, not your baby. Deal with it or get gone.

[risadedios-blog]

My Sister

From a young age, my sister, Archie was a prominent figure in my life. I was always advised not to be like her, but I never understood why. Her kind of beauty was perpetually unobtainable to me. She was always smiling and making friends. What they were referencing was her wild streak in their attempts to slut shame her and preemptively slut shame me. 

Our first rift was not even about her supposed loose lifestyle or even that I cared about what she was doing behind closed doors on her own time. I was about eleven at the time and all I ever wanted was to live with her and my two brothers - to be a “real” family. Unsolicited, she told me in no uncertain terms that she was going to get her life together and get a place where all four of us could live. I thought the years I spent crying over our separation were finally going to cease and the relief was palpable. I told all my friends about how happy I was that this was happening and how it was all I ever wanted. 

Four years later, when it was evident that none of that plan was put into motion let alone close to fruition, I gave up on her and trusting her words. I got a call from my older brother telling me that she was having a baby with some man she had met online. I was livid, selfishly so, but livid nonetheless. Here she was promising me a family and there she went creating her own and leaving us behind - leaving me behind. I was still a child and even worse, an orphan child, one that dreamed of that promise of a family that I felt kept being broken over and over again. I wanted nothing to do with her, that child, or her new family because I couldn’t see a life in which we all lived together. I thought she would want to shelter her child from the truths of why we lived so far from each other and from our mother, but that is what I would have done, not what she did. She opened her new home to me and my siblings, she spent time with us and made new memories, and she even helped us achieve some of the things we missed out on when we were children. She was the epitome of forgiveness because she even let my mom into her home.

My mom, in my eyes, was the sole perpetrator of all the wrongs that had befallen me and my siblings. Even in death, it seems that she and my aunts orchestrated my second abandonment. The matriarchs of my family put it into my sister’s mind that I am untrustworthy. All the while, my sister’s selfishness and her own dubious nature were coming out the the forefront. 

My niece had a birthday last year and I attended her party. I made the foolish decision to stay after the children’s party ended and the even more foolish decision to drink too much at a bar we went to after hours. I thought I was okay because I was with family, but someone we were with assaulted me. She used her forearm to try to choke me out and threw me against a wall. I’m not going to say I didn’t deserve it, I did say some incendiary things and bring up her children. None of which I thought merited such a visceral response, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, instead of having my back, my sister came out of the bar and started pushing me as I was already being choked, she let me run away, and she (who always has her phone in her hand charged and ready to go) ignored my calls for help from strangers’ phones. She allowed time for people to call the cops, for them to arrive, and for them to come arrest me. Although, I had never felt as alone as I did by the side of that Pennsylvania road in the middle of winter with nothing but ice and the rush of other people’s cars around me, the second abandonment came the next day. 

My sister and my other siblings had the audacity to gather around and tell me that I have a problem the next day. I am the untrustworthy one, when they left me to be arrested. They deemed me too emotionally unstable and untrustworthy to have around the family - a family I was from which I was supposed to garner empowerment and support. I made one huge mistake and they all decided to collectively forsake me and stood back in amazement when I could not get over the betrayal. For almost a year, they stayed united in their silence except my older brother, the perpetual peacemaker. 

Archie finally messaged me to “invite” me to my niece’s birthday party. I made another mistake requesting to bring a friend for emotional support, the kind I knew I would need but wouldn’t get from the people who would be there. She made a big fuss about not being able to bring a man over and didn’t even give me the courtesy of fully explaining why. She ended up brushing me off and telling me that my feelings were invalid and that she was done with me. It remained that way two weeks later on my own birthday. She left me no message or kind words, just silence, until today. It a little over a month from my birthday and I messaged her to wish her a happy birthday. 

I really do wish my sister the best. I pray that she takes care of my niece to the best of her ability and then some. I am just so heartbroken that she cannot look outside of herself to see that I am in pain and by not addressing this pain, neither of us is going to be able to move forward. I mean, it is possible to move forward, don’t get me wrong. This is just not the healthiest way to do it. The answer is not to shut me out. The answer would be to hear me out and be supportive, give me the benefit of the doubt like I afforded her all those years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had just shut her out when I was moved to do so, but I didn’t and maybe that was my mistake.